My Due Date

My thoughts are somewhat scattered, they are high and low but I just wanted to have the collection of them written together. I know that Stella is watching over us and I just hope that she can appreciate this post as well. 

Today was supposed to be a day filled with either anticipation or joy. But instead it's one filled with sadness and grief. It's filled with a new uncertainty of the future and a reminder of the pain of last December. I've been thinking about what I wanted to write and have to remember on this day for about a month now. I really wanted to be enthusiastic and positive and filled with hope, but there has been some doubt, pain and fear that has crept in. Yesterday I had another paragraph below this talking about all my hurt, but today, it just doesn't feel right. I want to reflect the sweetness that I feel when I think of Stella. Pure innocence and sweetness only a little baby girl can bring. Today I'm going to focus on that. Yesterday I would have told you that it wasn't possible, but today, it is.

I stumbled across this song recently. Although it's really nothing earth shattering the way of song writing or even at all that noteworthy in terms of a "quality" song, it really helped me shed some positive light on the loss of Stella.




This definitely isn't the end of our relationship as mother and daughter and I will always, always carry her with me. I also just think of Stella when I listen to this. If she would have been anything like me, she would be rocking to Carrie Underwood from her early years right along with me. Carrie is JUST the right music for tween and teenage girls to sing along with (and the teenage girl in me as well).

When I think of what Stella looks like in heaven, of how old she is and who she is, I have always pictured her as older. I imagine that when we arrive in heaven in God's presence, we are able to become fully who he created each one of us to be, dropping all the sin and baggage and picking up and actualizing all the gifts that He gave us as individuals. I imagine Stella as a beautiful, caring, wise and strong woman in heaven. I have never imagined getting to heaven and looking for my little baby to hold. Rather, I see myself getting to heaven and being able to hug Stella and talk to her and learn about who she is through her own words. I imagine being able to see all the gifts God has blessed her with and just be able to soak her essence in. Who she truly is, who God finely crafted her to be. Isn't that truly what every parent wishes of their child? To be able to see them so clearly as God created them to be, not clouded with our human thoughts or this world's pressures. 

I read this to Quinn sometimes, but I know my mom bought the book for us with Stella in mind and I can't help but think of her when I read this. In the short time I was carrying her, my heart grew and made such a special place for her. My love for her will always be with me... and I hope she knows that it will always be with her. 

Wherever You Are.. My Love Will Find You
By Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more
than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.

It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf!
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...
or playing...
or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
paint 'til you're blue...
There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely
or sometime you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of
the sea...in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree... in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and
so deep, it's always right there, even
when you're asleep.

So hold your head high
and don't be afraid to march to the front
of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You're my angel, my darling,
my star... and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

I love you, my sweet, sweet Stella.

On Friday night we were able to light a few pink lanterns to remember Stella with our close friends. Heather was so sweet and set it all up without us knowing. Even though getting the lanterns up was kind of disastrous at times, it all worked out and left Aaron and I with such sweet memories! Thank you friends!

 "He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge." Psalm 91:4

While Aaron and I are still learning how to grow from this and what the purpose of this pain will be in our lives... we have been shown one thing so clearly...that God provides. Specifically for us it has been an overwhelming provision of love and support from our family and friends. We have seen his comfort and love shine through so many hard times through the support of our loved ones. And although we still have a lot to navigate in terms of how this part of our story will affect our lives in the future, we are so very thankful for the love, comfort and provision that God has shown us from the first hours of this journey.

How Precious Life Is...

Stumbled upon this song on another friend's blog that has also lost a baby. It's such a sweet song and I am so thankful that I found it.

Today I just really miss Stella.


Here is her blog post.

 Click Here.

16 Months

For some reason our pediatrician appointment wasn't scheduled until 16 months... so that's why I'm doing Quinn's update now! I've decided that at the very least I need to do a blog update on all things Quinn for each doctors appointment! Which means that this may be a lengthy post because it's been 4 whole months since I've updated!

We have had a busy couple months! Quinn is growing and changing so much these days. He does something or says something new almost every day. And I am proud to say that he FINALLY shows that he prefers me and even actually misses me when I'm gone! :) When we lost Stella, Quinn stayed with my parents for a night and was really weird when I came home. He was almost scared of me and didn't want me to hold him. It was really hurtful but I knew that he just knew something was wrong. It's amazing how intuitive he was during that time! But after a couple days being home he was back to normal!

He is so much fun to play with and makes me laugh all the time! He is SUCH a happy boy most of the time and just wants to play and run around. He loves playing outside and we take advantage of every day that it makes it past the mid 40's and go outside and play as long as we can!

I've had too many days to count where I am made painfully aware that Quinn is NOT a baby and is definitely a toddler. He is very opinionated and loves to make it known. He has a stubborn streak and is always down for throwing tantrums if he doesn't get what he wants! I've been trying to just ignore them and most of the time that does the trick. He has started to throw things and hit when he's frustrated or tired. SO we have had to get more structured and serious with our discipline. It's an awkward process right now because half the time he doesn't understand that he did anything wrong and the other half I feel like he doesn't listen at all, laughs and hits/throws again. The pediatrician told me that she definitely started time outs with her children at this age so I tried that yesterday and he had NO idea what I was doing and why I was trying to keep him in the corner. HA. But we will keep trying. We have signed him up for "school" in the fall. He will go to a Mother's Day Out program one day a week from 9-2:30. I am looking forward to him learning social norms and having more structure to that day! Mostly I think he will LOVE it so much and that is why we signed him up!

He got his first haircut a week or so after his first birthday! He was really good--just needed a bit of distraction so that he wouldn't grab the scissors! Since then, I've cut it myself. There have been better haircuts than others but it's free! 

We've tried to make use of the monster costume. The first pictures of him in it are before he was one and the last are just a week or so ago! He's gotten so big!

Here is a family picture from Thanksgiving.

We went to see Santa and it was a bust. He loved Santa while he was standing in line, but as soon as Aaron tried to give him to Santa he freaked out! Poor guy! But the pictures are great! 

Here is Quinn in front of the Christmas tree.

 We didn't take that many pictures on Christmas sadly. It was a weird Christmas. I just knew something was wrong with Stella so our minds were elsewhere that day. But here are a couple pictures.

Here are more pictures around 14 months. Most of the time I get photos on my phone so some are below.

 He is still obsessed with our remotes but now he is sadly also obsessed with the tv and turning it on.

He stands like this all the time. We think it's hilarious.

Here are some more pictures at around 15 months.

And lastly this is his new face. It's what Aaron and I call his "Whatcha talkin' about Willis?" face.

Here's a link in case you want to compare... I think he still has some work to do.


Stats:
Weight: 25 lbs 4oz (55th Percentile) Height: 32.5 inches (80th Percentile) Head: 19 inches (75th Percentile) Still tall and thin like his dad.

Likes: eating things while walking around, eating at the table, eating with forks and spoons, using a plate for his food, being held, being chased around with any loud toy, being tickled, music and DANCING all the time, rough housing in any way-- he is DEFINITELY a boy, he would wrestle around on the floor or be thrown around or spun around allll day long. He always wants "more" and he signs it over and over and then starts crying if we stop physically playing with him. It gets pretty exhausting. He loves playing outside.

Dislikes: Getting dressed, diaper changes, putting his coat on, having ANYTHING taken away from him, his stroller, his car seat, his high chair unless he really likes what he is going to eat, the blender (too loud and always makes him cry unless I'm holding him).

Favorite Foods: anything he can carry around and eat- recently mini pita pockets or half slices of bread, crackers and his snack cup filled with freeze dried peas or cheerios, bananas, chicken nuggets, tater tots, broccoli, sweet potatoes, apple slices on some days. We are still dairy and soy free and will continue until 18 months when I will probably retry both. We may do allergy testing at 2 years old if he is still reacting but we are already doing what they would suggest and he is obviously growing well so I'm in no hurry to get him tested.

Teeth: 12. He got all four molars over the past couple months which brought a lot of crying and waking at night. We give him Motrin anytime we think he may wake up during the night and it usually helps a ton. I think that his canine teeth are coming in as well but they haven't broken through the gums.

Sleep: He is still taking two naps that last between 1:15-2 hours each. He has had two days where he only took one nap and while he did totally fine during the day, he slept terrible at night. SO I think it may have just thrown off his schedule and it showed me that he probably isn't ready to drop the nap. He goes to bed between 7:30 and 8 and usually wakes between 7-8 in the morning. I still am SO thankful for how well he sleeps. The few times he does wake up, he either puts himself back to sleep or if I go and rock him for a couple minutes he lays down with no problem after.  

New Words: He almost is saying too many words to count... but not always on his own, usually when he repeats what we are saying. But here are some new ones; belly button, eye, nose, ear, head, brush, walk, rock, apple, snack, paci, shakes his head "No" to most things and nods "yes" when he wants something. Still isn't actually saying yes and no that frequently. If he knows he's not supposed to do something he will show me by halfway doing it and then shaking his head "no" while looking at me. He tries to say most things we ask him to say or he wants to say but most of them are pretty "rough" and need some work. But I can understand a lot of them. Can make snake, monkey, cat and pig noises along with the ones he already could do at 1 year. 

New Skills: Running, throwing balls really well, throwing tantrums complete with laying down on the floor and kicking his feet, holding his arms up like "I don't know" when I ask where something is or when we are looking for something. Hiding toys behind his back or under himself and pulling it out to show us. He does this weird thing where he puts things under his chin to hold them-- anything- food, toys, phones, crayons. We don't get it. He loves to mimic me- he will wipe up any spill, brush his hair, use my makeup brush on his face, brush his teeth, talk on the phone, and dance! He loves the bath but always gets in trouble by the end because he loves to throw cups or buckets with water in them out of the bathtub.

Toddler Food

Because Quinn doesn't do well with dairy or soy at this point, we have had find alternatives to the yummy foods that we love! I was visiting a mother's day out program last week when I saw a little girl eating spinach nuggets.. and loving them! I thought it was a great idea! Recently Quinn has been rejecting almost all veggies. He will take a bite or two and that's it-- on a good day! The teacher at MDO told me that the little girl's mom just bought them in the natural foods section of the grocery. So I checked them out, sadly, the premade ones had soy in them. So I googled a recipe and modified it for Quinn! While they weren't a complete hit, he didn't hate them. He did like to dip them in hummus and ate at least 3 or 4 pieces each time I've served them to him. I have a freezer full of them now so he will be having them for many more meals! They have almonds and flax seed meal in with the spinach so they are a little more dense and nutty than just plain spinach!

I thought I'd pass on the recipe. It's easily adaptable for those with or without food allergies. I subbed the cheese with rice cheese. I tasted them and they aren't bad! Definitely bland but not bad. Because I'm lazy, I'm just going to include the link.

Spinach Nuggets with Yogurt Dipping Sauce

After discovering this website, I found TONS of new recipes that Quinn can eat and that look good! It's seriously like a jackpot! So last night I tried a couple more recipes.

Homemade Banana Bread Larabars

Homemade Peanut Butter Cookie Larabars

These are already a hit! I had to hide the rest of the bar this morning after giving Quinn a couple tastes before breakfast. I love them too! They seem like they will be a great snack to bring while we are out and we can even share! They both include very few ingredients and are overall pretty cheap to make! (The peanut butter one is just peanuts and dates!) The most difficult part is going to a place where they have all the ingredients available. I went to Whole Foods because I knew they would have everything, but I wonder if they would have it all at a normal grocery store. I just didn't want to run to two different places.

I am now looking for more "Larabar" ideas online. It looks like there are tons of options!

I really am all for convenience foods with a toddler. Especially because when they want to eat, it's RIGHT NOW. So we use the microwave almost every meal and then blow like crazy on the hot food so Quinn can eat it as soon as possible! But sadly there are only a handful of pre-made foods that Quinn can eat. So anytime I find easy recipes, I am so happy! I will try to continue to post new recipes as I try them. I know that feeding a toddler can be a frustrating endeavor and I know I've really enjoyed all the resources I've found-- so I thought I'd pass them on!

I'm Bossy...

I'm slightly embarrassed to show evidence of what we were doing this Saturday morning. Something online reminded me of this song and I had to listen to it. Quinn's reaction cracks me up. He LOVES dancing... and I love watching him!

Not for a moment...

Another song that has given me so much encouragement.... and has such a sweet and comforting message.

And I will be back later tonight with a slightly inappropriate video of Quinn... he cracks me up and keeps me smiling... and on my toes! :) 


 You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
 After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

And every step every breath You are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my heart at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me Not for a moment will You forsake me

Cabo.. and life these days

We scheduled our trip to Cabo, Mexico in December... when I was still pregnant. The whole pregnancy I had been dreaming of a babymoon with friends. And it was taken away. I'm just going to be completely honest here... I enjoyed my trip immensely, I loved being around five other wonderful people, the sun on my skin felt amazing, and the view of the gorgeous ocean was breathtaking, but I never completely got the sinking feeling out of my stomach. This trip was supposed to be something completely different. Something that I had pictured hundreds of times in my head. I was looking forward to taking tons of pictures of my bump in my new swimsuit. I was looking forward to wearing all of my summer maternity clothes again. I was looking forward to time away from Quinn before we welcomed another baby into our lives. Instead, I felt chubby and awkward in everything I wore. I mean who schedules a beach vacation for a week and a half after they have a baby. I missed Quinn and just longed to be with him at our house. I just felt jipped. And sad. And self conscious.

Many people have tried with best intentions to paint a great picture of this vacation. It was just what I needed. A time to get away. A time to be in the sun. A time without kids. But it just didn't work. I would have rather been with Quinn. I would have rather been home and not trying to squeeze into a swimsuit that didn't fit. I would have rather been pregnant.
It's been pretty easy to move on when daily life has been the same. But when I was on the babymoon that I had been dreaming about it was impossible.

So that's it. Sometimes life just sucks. Even when you're with your favorite people in a beautiful place. Your heart can still hurt and your body can remind you of the place in life that you should have been. I tried my hardest to have a great time and I really did enjoy it a lot.... but it just wasn't the same. It was just missing the biggest part I had been dreaming about.

Now that I'm back home, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. We have an event in a couple weeks for an organization that Aaron started and I am trying to get excited about it. I am excited for it, just not for the dress shopping that comes along with it. It's just another time I had envisioned being pregnant and therefore it being much more fun and less stressful. Dressing a bump has always been SO fun for me. Dressing a lump that is left... not so much. But the day will come and it will be fun and I will try not to think about the way I thought I would look when I should have been 28 weeks pregnant.

I think I'm done being sad... today. I am just trying to be honest with myself through this process. Most days... in fact almost all days I feel so good; so happy and so positive with so much hope for the future. But some moments are rough. And I need to know that that is ok. And just be.