We scheduled our trip to Cabo, Mexico in December... when I was still pregnant. The whole pregnancy I had been dreaming of a babymoon with friends. And it was taken away. I'm just going to be completely honest here... I enjoyed my trip immensely, I loved being around five other wonderful people, the sun on my skin felt amazing, and the view of the gorgeous ocean was breathtaking, but I never completely got the sinking feeling out of my stomach. This trip was supposed to be something completely different. Something that I had pictured hundreds of times in my head. I was looking forward to taking tons of pictures of my bump in my new swimsuit. I was looking forward to wearing all of my summer maternity clothes again. I was looking forward to time away from Quinn before we welcomed another baby into our lives. Instead, I felt chubby and awkward in everything I wore. I mean who schedules a beach vacation for a week and a half after they have a baby. I missed Quinn and just longed to be with him at our house. I just felt jipped. And sad. And self conscious.
Many people have tried with best intentions to paint a great picture of this vacation. It was just what I needed. A time to get away. A time to be in the sun. A time without kids. But it just didn't work. I would have rather been with Quinn. I would have rather been home and not trying to squeeze into a swimsuit that didn't fit. I would have rather been pregnant.
It's been pretty easy to move on when daily life has been the same. But when I was on the babymoon that I had been dreaming about it was impossible.
So that's it. Sometimes life just sucks. Even when you're with your favorite people in a beautiful place. Your heart can still hurt and your body can remind you of the place in life that you should have been. I tried my hardest to have a great time and I really did enjoy it a lot.... but it just wasn't the same. It was just missing the biggest part I had been dreaming about.
Now that I'm back home, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. We have an event in a couple weeks for an organization that Aaron started and I am trying to get excited about it. I am excited for it, just not for the dress shopping that comes along with it. It's just another time I had envisioned being pregnant and therefore it being much more fun and less stressful. Dressing a bump has always been SO fun for me. Dressing a lump that is left... not so much. But the day will come and it will be fun and I will try not to think about the way I thought I would look when I should have been 28 weeks pregnant.
I think I'm done being sad... today. I am just trying to be honest with myself through this process. Most days... in fact almost all days I feel so good; so happy and so positive with so much hope for the future. But some moments are rough. And I need to know that that is ok. And just be.