Sunday, April 28, 2013

My Due Date

My thoughts are somewhat scattered, they are high and low but I just wanted to have the collection of them written together. I know that Stella is watching over us and I just hope that she can appreciate this post as well. 

Today was supposed to be a day filled with either anticipation or joy. But instead it's one filled with sadness and grief. It's filled with a new uncertainty of the future and a reminder of the pain of last December. I've been thinking about what I wanted to write and have to remember on this day for about a month now. I really wanted to be enthusiastic and positive and filled with hope, but there has been some doubt, pain and fear that has crept in. Yesterday I had another paragraph below this talking about all my hurt, but today, it just doesn't feel right. I want to reflect the sweetness that I feel when I think of Stella. Pure innocence and sweetness only a little baby girl can bring. Today I'm going to focus on that. Yesterday I would have told you that it wasn't possible, but today, it is.

I stumbled across this song recently. Although it's really nothing earth shattering the way of song writing or even at all that noteworthy in terms of a "quality" song, it really helped me shed some positive light on the loss of Stella.

This definitely isn't the end of our relationship as mother and daughter and I will always, always carry her with me. I also just think of Stella when I listen to this. If she would have been anything like me, she would be rocking to Carrie Underwood from her early years right along with me. Carrie is JUST the right music for tween and teenage girls to sing along with (and the teenage girl in me as well).

When I think of what Stella looks like in heaven, of how old she is and who she is, I have always pictured her as older. I imagine that when we arrive in heaven in God's presence, we are able to become fully who he created each one of us to be, dropping all the sin and baggage and picking up and actualizing all the gifts that He gave us as individuals. I imagine Stella as a beautiful, caring, wise and strong woman in heaven. I have never imagined getting to heaven and looking for my little baby to hold. Rather, I see myself getting to heaven and being able to hug Stella and talk to her and learn about who she is through her own words. I imagine being able to see all the gifts God has blessed her with and just be able to soak her essence in. Who she truly is, who God finely crafted her to be. Isn't that truly what every parent wishes of their child? To be able to see them so clearly as God created them to be, not clouded with our human thoughts or this world's pressures. 

I read this to Quinn sometimes, but I know my mom bought the book for us with Stella in mind and I can't help but think of her when I read this. In the short time I was carrying her, my heart grew and made such a special place for her. My love for her will always be with me... and I hope she knows that it will always be with her. 

Wherever You Are.. My Love Will Find You
By Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more
than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.

It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf!
You'll never outgrow stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...
or playing...
or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
paint 'til you're blue...
There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely
or sometime you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the the smell of
the the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree... in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and
so deep, it's always right there, even
when you're asleep.

So hold your head high
and don't be afraid to march to the front
of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You're my angel, my darling,
my star... and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

I love you, my sweet, sweet Stella.

On Friday night we were able to light a few pink lanterns to remember Stella with our close friends. Heather was so sweet and set it all up without us knowing. Even though getting the lanterns up was kind of disastrous at times, it all worked out and left Aaron and I with such sweet memories! Thank you friends!

 "He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge." Psalm 91:4

While Aaron and I are still learning how to grow from this and what the purpose of this pain will be in our lives... we have been shown one thing so clearly...that God provides. Specifically for us it has been an overwhelming provision of love and support from our family and friends. We have seen his comfort and love shine through so many hard times through the support of our loved ones. And although we still have a lot to navigate in terms of how this part of our story will affect our lives in the future, we are so very thankful for the love, comfort and provision that God has shown us from the first hours of this journey.


  1. Lots of love to your family. As you mentioned, you will carry your love for Stella with you all the rest of your days. I'm so sorry that your due date wasn't the wonderful day it should have/could have been.

    I love the Nancy Tillman books and that one has been nice for me to read to as I feel I'm reading to both my boys.

    Wishing you all continued peace.

  2. What a beautiful post, Em. Love you all so much!